I came from a background which wasn’t ideal, but I always had high goals for myself.

With the encouragement of many loving friends and surrogate family figures, I gained a lot of confidence to pursue my dreams.

However, it wasn’t exactly a simple road to the goals I had in mind.  Among many other things, I fully intended to become a published novelist, a mother, an integrative health professional, and a homesteader!  With my youth and carefree single-hood, I assumed that all these things would be possible to fit into one life.  In fact, I also wanted to become a professional musician! But when my teenage years were over, I realized that I enjoyed music for love and social contact, more than the buzz of performing, so I let that plan go as gracefully as I could.

When I met my future partner and discovered that we had many similar goals, we paired up and spent a lot of time planning how we would go about fulfilling our dreams.  All was not to be so simple, however, as it hit home within a few years that the thing we needed the most to fulfill many of our dreams was simply money.  The things we envisioned to be our vocations were not things that you simply fell into, nor were they the kind of thing you could get a degree for or work your way up in a job.  For instance, to become a published writer, you must first spend a lot of time writing for no pay while honing your craft.  A mother - well, I knew I wanted children, but I was aware that this was not something that made you money - on the contrary!  To become a natural health practitioner was a good idea, but in the place where we were living, there was no course available.Distance was not an option for that stream and to top things off, the demand for that type of health care is too small in the areas which we were considering for eventually buying a farming property.

Therefore, at 20 years of age, I was still floundering in terms of what to do next, and we still had not saved a lot of money.  To make things worse, my partner and I were spending increasing amounts of time apart, while he studied and trained for his new job.  I was basically living alone, but close to where my partner was training, so that I would be able to see him as often as I could.  I was away from my family and friends, but the isolation gave me a lot of time to think.  Finally, I decided that I would seek a temporary career in nursing and midwifery.

Imagine my consternation, then, when in the very same week I had enrolled in study, I found myself pregnant!  I was to become a mother, something which I knew I wanted - but we had just discussed putting it off for another few years until we found our feet.  I didn’t know it at the time, but this baby was to completely change my life and the way I viewed life…

Even though I was scared and anxious that we weren’t ready for this baby, I said “yes” to the pregnancy and did my best to make money while I still could.  (I knew that I would not want to put my baby into childcare so I could study or work, so I felt that my time was now very short and I began to get frantic.)

It was then that I tried several avenues for making money online, which raised eyebrows from those who loved me.  They thought I was following a pipe dream.  However, with my morning sickness (read: all day sickness!) in the first 4-5 months, I could barely leave the house, so any money making I did would have to be at home.  Thankfully I didn’t fall for any scams, although I wasted a lot of time attempting telemarketing for a company that went bust and ended up costing me money, rather than making me money.  However, finally, when I was 5 months pregnant, I found a genuine work-from-home job and put in as many hours as I could.  It was decent pay but the work was very stressful - cold calling - and I was stressed to put myself through the hours of being hung up on and abused over and over again for the work I was doing (which was for a charity).  But we had moved back to our home town and I was able to see many friends and supportive loved ones who helped me stay strong.

Soon enough, I was too pregnant to sit at the desk comfortably and before I knew it, my baby was born.  I had a beautiful natural birth with no drugs and I was on a high for weeks after.  I felt like I had been transformed inside and out into a new person with a new sense of purpose.  I gained an incredible new sense of calm deep inside, despite the pain and difficulties my baby and I experienced trying to work out breastfeeding.  We managed though and it was a dream to lie in bed gazing out of the window at the iridescent blue sky and the leaves rustling on the trees, while blissfully breastfeeding my baby for hours at a time.

Holding my baby in my arms confirmed to me that I would not go down the childcare route.  I would now have to work from home, whatever it took.  My new sense of resolve was strong and my baby was a more powerful motivator than anything I’ve ever had before.

I can now multi-task very well and in the times when my daughter sleeps, I can actually accomplish very much.  I am developing an online business in the long term and I find freelance jobs whenever I can.  I have let some of my youthful plans fall away and held on to only the most dear ones.  I have become frugal and I save every penny that I can for our future shared goals as a family.  Becoming a mother has given me new insight into the brevity of life. I am careful now to never waste a minute of my time.

I am glad in hindsight that I was blessed with a surprise baby.  Yes, I’ve lost some options.  21 is young to be considered a mother these days and I do feel the loss at times.  However, I feel that what I have lost is nothing compared to what I have gained.  A new sense of inner calm, a profound respect for the human body and fragility and beauty of human life--the drive and the clarity to pursue my most important dreams and learning to let go of less important things.

More than anything, I’ve found love - love for this little creature without whom I would never have experienced the capacity to love so much… so much and then some!