I nervously sat in the chair, my body contorted by the pain I was feeling. I waited for what seemed like days for the doctor to get off the phone with the lab representative. The hospital was noisy, yet in the tiny room that held my fate, the silence was so deafening. I could hear the tip of the doctor’s pen scratch the notepad as he wrote down my results. Slowly, he placed the phone back to its cradle and turned towards me, “Well, you have Lupus.”

The tears that had been streaming down my face for quite awhile began to burn my skin. I tried to listen to the doctor’s instructions and my mother’s comforting words, but everything became a blur to me.

I had just turned nineteen. I had recently completed community college and had plans of working for a year before going back to school. Those plans were stalled when I started to have problems walking. My face and joints would also swell in the mornings. This continued for weeks until I decided to visit my primary care physician. Various tests were done, but I was told that my symptoms couldn’t be treated until it was certain what was causing them. On November 16, 2007, pain paralyzed my entire body and I had to be rushed to the hospital. That was the morning I began my horrendous fight with Lupus.

Months after being diagnosed, I realized how burdensome living with Lupus was. Medications were extremely expensive. I had to change my entire lifestyle. I even had to stop working because I was constantly sick and often had to be in and out of the hospital. In no time, I gained a lot of weight. I saw myself as fat and the lesions and stretch marks that marred my skin made me think of myself as ugly. As if things couldn’t get any worse, my hair started to fall out in patches. I also developed severe arthritis. The vibrant and active individual that I once had been no longer existed. I began to doubt God and I no longer could see any point in living.

On March 17, 2010, I was at my lowest point. I was in a state of depression. I had been suffering from insomnia and chronic pain for days. I simply didn’t have the strength to continue fighting what seemed to be a losing battle. That night, I got my medications, lay them on the bed before me and decided that I was going to take them all. I took a handful of pills and tried to swallow them but I couldn’t. I tried again, but this time I couldn’t even bring my hand towards my mouth. Some force was preventing me from swallowing those pills, and that same force caused me to fall into a deep sleep, something I hadn’t been able to do in days.

I woke up the following morning to my mother crying and frantically shaking me. Seeing the pills scattered on the bed, my body shook with fear as I realized what I had almost done. Sobbing, I began to talk with God. I asked Him why was it that He allowed my life to be turned upside down by this disease. Had I done something so unforgivable that this was now my punishment? I didn’t understand why, because of this disease, I had to give up so much. It pained my heart every day to know that my friends and family were living their lives just fine, while I was barricaded behind the walls of this disease called Lupus.

There on the bedroom floor, I asked God for a fresh start. I asked Him to give me the faith and the strength to deal with having Lupus.

It was no easy task, but I began the process of healing mentally, spiritually and most important -  physically. With the support of my mother, my family, and friends, I began to love myself again. Once more, I believed that with God’s help, I can overcome anything.

I started to search the Internet for individuals like myself who also suffered from Lupus. I learned from them what it has been like living with the disease and how they learned to cope with it. With their helpful tips and my own research, I developed my own techniques for managing the disease. I started to sing and write again to take my mind off my daily difficulties. I learned how to smile through the headaches, the pain, and the cold. Whenever I could, I share my story with others in the hopes of spreading awareness about Lupus.

Today, I have accepted that I have an incurable disease. But inspite of this fact, I have learned to enjoy life once again. I now know that one can never be too successful, too poor, too God-fearing or even too young for one’s life to be turned topsy turvy in the blink of an eye. It’s not the struggles in your life that’s important, its how you deal with those struggles that matters. It’s about how you use these trials and turn them into something positive so you could make an impact on others. I still fight with the demons of this disease on a daily basis, but when those demons come along I remind myself that, “I have Lupus, but Lupus doesn’t have me.”

Like me, you may be suffering from Lupus or some other disease. Maybe you know someone with Lupus. The truth is that living with Lupus or any other disease is no walk in the park. There are times when the disease will get the best of you and you will feel as if you want to throw in the towel. My advice to you is - for as long as you don’t hear the final buzzer from God, keep on fighting. Regain control of your life. It will take time but it is possible. As long as you are still alive, you still have time to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself. When the final buzzer sounds, Lupus should be the one knocked-out on the ground and you should be the one standing in the middle of the ring, hands raised in victory. I’m on the verge of seeing that dream come true for myself; I sincerely hope that you are on that road to victory too.

Further Reading
1.  Wikipedia page on Lupus