I am writing this on the first death anniversary of a close friend. He was a very colorful character—funny, smart, and daring. Although he could, at times, seem arrogant, he had a very caring side to him.

Like me, he was a rock music-loving Goth in the middle of an African country, where anything different was looked down upon. Rock ‘n’ roll was considered either the “white man’s music” or “the devil’s music.” This is where our similarities began. But I guess you could also say that this is where our similarities ended.

Unlike me, he was an atheist who was fascinated with Satanism. Unlike me, he chose to pursue an alternative sexual lifestyle.
  
We didn’t spend much time together. We didn’t believe in the same things. We hadn’t even known each other for more than four years—with the first two years being entirely online! However, this friend of mine made such a huge impact in my life. No matter what happens, I will always remember him as a friend unlike any I have ever had.

I first “met” my friend in 2006, on the online Yahoo group called “Goth Club of Kenya”. One of my fondest memories with this group was playing “scriptural tennis” with my friend. He would quote a passage from the Book of Satan and I would counter it with a verse or two from the Bible! What fun it was! And at no time did any religious wars beak out between us. I’m still amazed that my friend, who was very vocal about his alternative beliefs, respected the fact that I was a Bible-believing, Jesus-following Goth.

Another one of my favorite memories was when I would bump into him almost every Sunday morning. I would be on my way to church and he would be off to a shop, many times looking like he was still recovering from the celebrations of the previous night! Another memorable thing about my friend was that he always looked so happy to see me. Not very many people in my life show that kind of enthusiasm when they see me.

I was often late getting to church because my friend was such a good conversationalist! He would have me in stitches as he narrated escapades involving his workmates and how he used to counter their prejudices by scaring them with music from the outer, darker edges of the heavy metal genre. It says a lot about his work ethic that inspite of his alternative lifestyle, he was very respected by his superiors.

In December 2007, I watched in horror as my country went up in flames. It was just after the general elections and there were some disputes between the two main contestants for the top seat in the country. There were rigging accusations. There was chaos. There were burning of churches and slaughtering of neighbors. There were thousands of Kenyans displaced from the homes they had lived in all their lives.

What good could possibly have come out of this nation-wide disaster? Well, it brought Kenyans together. People from all over the country set aside their differences to call for peace and to help out their fellow Kenyans in their time of need. The rock community was no exception. One month later, with the help of some friends of mine and some wonderful Kenyan rock bands, we organized an event called “Rock for Charity”. The event exceeded my expectations. It was a huge success. And it was where I met my online friend for the first time, in the flesh.

I will never forget that first face-to-face meeting. “I’m drummer boy,” he said to me. I was confused for a few seconds. My mind was still busy wondering if everything was going well with the bands that were performing. I remember thinking to myself, “Does he mean he is a replacement drummer? Did one of the bands need a drummer?” He must have noticed the confusion on my face because he clarified that he was “Drama boy, from the Goth Club of Kenya”. Aaaah! Not “drummer boy” but “drama boy!” In our later conversations, he explained to me that he was given that nickname because he was often involved with high school drama competitions; teaching, mentoring, and inspiring.

When it finally dawned on me that this was my online friend, I did the only natural thing I could do. I hugged him. Now I am not a hugger. In fact, I am a stickler for respecting other people’s personal space and I expected other people to respect my personal space. But how could I not hug him? We were kindred spirits even though we were so different from each other. I had to hug him. If only to say, “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

The last time I saw my friend alive was approximately one year after I first met him. As usual, he was very glad to see me. However, something wasn’t quite right. He did not look okay. He looked thinner somehow. He had wrapped a big Maasai cloak around himself and he was coughing. We chatted for a few minutes. He told me that he had been sick but he was getting better every day. I told him to get out of the cold and go back into the house. We chatted for a few more minutes then we said goodbye. That was the last time I saw him.

Two days before he passed away, I felt an intense urge to find out how he was doing. I had taken out my mobile phone, ready to send a text simply saying, “Dude, r u ok?” But I chickened out. I told myself that I didn’t want to intrude into his life, that our friendship was the kind where we respected each other’s privacy. So I put my phone away.

When I was called and told that my friend had passed away, I was heartbroken on so many levels. Obviously, there was regret that I hadn’t sent him that message. But what’s done is done. Or more appropriately, what was not done was not done. However, I am very glad that the times we did meet, we were always in the moment. Whether I was going to Church or rushing off somewhere else, when I met him, I would stop and catch up with the happenings in his interesting life. I am so thankful for those moments. I am also very thankful for the life he lived.

My friend has taught me to live in the moment, to cherish my friends, to take risks, to not be afraid to laugh out loud. He taught me about unconditional acceptance.

He also taught me that there is nothing to be gained by being a constant people-pleaser. You will gain more respect and live life more fully if you stayed true to yourself, no matter what other people thought of you.

Most important of all, my friend has taught me that I shouldn’t think too much about giving a person their own space and privacy. I shouldn’t be afraid about asking a friend how they are doing out of the blue. We never know if it could be our last chance to have a moment with them.

Rest in peace my friend, rest in peace.

Further Reading
1. Wikipedia Article on the Kenyan Presidential Election, 2007