I placed the blood-stained razor blade on the couch and looked blankly at my wounds. I wondered how I could be so numb. I could feel no sense of pain at the cuts on my forearm.

A knock at the door pulled me out of my trance.

I wished desperately it would be the angel of death. But it turned out to be someone else...

Whenever I recall this painful memory, I couldn’t believe that I tried to take my own life after such a trivial setback. I now realize that problems are there to help us build strength.

It was a tradition in my family to send their sons to military school. Naturally, I spent all of my boyhood years in Kohat Cadet School - one of the most renowned institutions in Pakistan. My father, uncle, and two elder cousins studied there - and now it was my turn to become a Kohatian.

Quivering steps and misty eyes

I vividly remember that day when my parents drove me to Kohat. I didn’t speak throughout the journey. Being just a young boy, I was overwhelmed by the looming change in my life. I can still recall my quivering steps to school and the wetness in my misty eyes. I still remember the look on my mother’s face and the warmth of those first tears that fell down my cheeks when she kissed my forehead. My father, a major in the army at that time, just shook my hand. Filled with dreams of seeing his only son as a captain, he said to me in a strong voice: “Make your father proud!”

I can still recall my first night away from home. I pretended to be asleep because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I sobbed silently through the night. I missed my family, my friends and the streets where we used to play.

It was dreadful at first. I was not allowed to go on a holiday or receive any visitors during the first two months. I only talked to my parents through the 15-minute phone calls we were allowed to make every other day.

The environment of the school and constant reminders from my father about his dreams shaped the only purpose of my life - to get selected and join the Armed Forces.

I worked hard in athletics and academics. Training sessions were tough and exhausting. When I visited home for a weekend every other month, all I could do was rest for hours.

At that time, my father was posted in a different city and my mother, who was a school teacher, was occupied with her work. Being a tough, brawny cadet, I had little in common with my two younger sisters. I guess you could say I had very little meaningful interaction with my family. My visits at home had become more of a formality than a real chance to bond with my loved ones.

Three days of examination

The ISSB (Inter Services Selection Board) test was the biggest exam of my life. After a decade of studying and training, this three-day series of tests would determine my future. Since I always excelled in school, I felt confident. I fared brilliantly through the mental test and had performed well in  most of the physical exams.

But my foot slipped while I was climbing a 10-foot wall. I fell on my knee and fractured a bone. The fracture was so severe that I was declared unfit for the selection forever.

I had failed.

When I went back home, everyone tried to comfort me. But I locked myself up in my room. I decided suicide was my only refuge, but I was too much a coward to take my life. I ended up with cuts on my arm.

There was a knock on the door followed by a voice saying: “Son! Open the door!”

It was my father. I opened the door, but I couldn’t look at his face. I had failed him and I was ashamed. But he placed his arm around my shoulder and whispered to me lovingly, “I never thought you would go to such lengths for me. You lived my dream. I am proud of you, son, and I love you.”

His words blew life into me. When I looked at his face, I was shocked to find tears twinkling in his eyes. I couldn’t help hugging him and bursting into tears. He embraced me compassionately and made me feel secure and comforted. I believe he saw the wounds on my arms, but he didn’t scold me. He just told me to face every setback with an iron hand. That was all I needed. No doubt, he was my savior, my hero.

The next few days led to some considerable changes in my home. My mother retired from her job to spend more time with me. My father fortunately got posted in our city. My sisters planned an unforgettable trip for our family to Nathiagali, an amazingly scenic hill station in Pakistan. During all that time, my family showered so much compassion and care upon me that I quickly recovered from my depression. Strong bonds were finally forming between us, I couldn’t compare it to any other feeling in the world!

The choice of college was left completely to me. Since I was good in science, I got enrolled in the Electrical Engineering Department at E&ME College. Currently, I am in my last semester and I am a very strong candidate for a gold medal.

After all that I have been through, I believe I now lead a more satisfying life...more than I could have ever led as a captain in the army.

Further Reading
1.  Official website of the Pakistan Army
2.  Wikipedia article on the Kohat Cadet School (now known as the Cadet College Kohat)
3.  A video of Rustam House in Cadet College Kohat